Where Are the Parents?

When will this end? The young college student who was surreptitiously videotaped by two of his classmates, outed on the Internet and who took his own life by jumping off the George Washington Bridge is only the latest example of how much more work there is to do to before lesbians and gay men can expect their privacy will not be violated and will be able to lead their lives without shame, fear or discrimination.

These sorts of things do not just happen with no explanation. Where were these kids' parents or guardians and what were they teaching them as they grew up into twisted, homophobic criminals? This is much more than simple bullying. I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist and I am not a parent. All I know is what most gay men know. Some of us never come out because we are afraid of psychological or physical violence, being shunned by family and friends or losing a job in a state with no prohibition against discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.

Two months before I came out 20+ years ago, I intentionally cut myself off from some of my oldest and dearest friends, my family and others just to see what it would be like to permanently lose it all. It was torture to do it but for whatever reason, I had to know. At the end of two months I realized it would be traumatizing and it would take a very long time to repair my self-esteem but I no longer felt like a I had a choice. I also resolved that I would never work for any employer that would promote or tolerate that type of discrimination. I used some of my time reading about the courageous people who formed the Mattachine Society, those who bravely stood up to police during the Stonewall riots and the legions of black men and women who fought for their own civil rights. I knew I could find new friends and could live in gay ghetto for the rest of my life and find a way to be happy. All I wanted was to find one man to love and who loved me. I confess I did not even consider the possibility that marriage would ever be an option during my lifetime. I started to join LGBT organizations, speak before crowds (ironically the first time I was not petrified to speak before large groups), be interviewed on radio and television and put all of it on my resume.

It worked.

Very few people abandoned me. My parents, sister and the rest of my family embraced me. My friends did the same and, by the way, had been waiting for a long time to hear from me what they already knew. A handful were shocked because I did not fit their stereotype, perhaps because I knew how to tune up a car.

I found my partner a couple of years later. For the past 17+ years, we have built a life together. It's not perfect. I did not expect it to be perfect. To shatter another myth, our relationship remains completely monogamous.

I faced some discrimination along the way. I assumed I would. But I was hired by unions and then by the largest mass transit company in the United States and regularly promoted. When I started a solo practice as a neutral labor arbitrator a couple of years ago, my mentors were mostly well-established, well-known, straight male arbitrators before whom I appeared as an attorney/advocate and who all said their profession needed more diversity and, to hear them tell it, I would probably end up being - at least for awhile - the only openly gay arbitrator in the state.

Despite right wing salesmen of hatred in the name of religion or politics, I didn't lose a sense of who I was and was not ashamed. I knew that my sexual orientation was a part of who I was but it was not all that I was or am. Sadly, thousands of men lacked any sense of their own value and many died of complications from HIV/AIDS, wiping out nearly a generation's worth of would-be activists, friends and contributors to all facets of society. I am grateful my partner and I dodged that bullet. I am most grateful for my parents who always believed that every human being deserved to live their lives free from discrimination and were not afraid to say it to anyone, even those who might have disagreed with them. They didn't count on my little revelation (on Father's Day, no less), but it didn't take them long to ask two questions and audibly exhale after my response: was I telling them this because I was sick and was I prepared to deal with discrimination? The answers were no and yes, in that order.

If we want a truly modern civil society, everyone must have a place at the table. I did not make a choice to be gay. I made a choice to make it known that I was gay. There is an enormous difference between the two. Even my parents' neighbors, some of whom are politically very conservative, are very happy to see me during holidays and other times when I visit. (Well, maybe it's because I am helping my mother keep her lawn looking nice and improving their view from across the street but I think it runs more deeply than that.)

None of it would have happened had so many people I never knew failed to demand equal rights long before I was old enough to tie my own shoes. We can't stop now, even if marriage becomes available as an option in every state in the country. Every kid, no matter where he or she might live, needs to understand that if they realize they are lesbian or gay, they can lead a full, rich life. There is no prayer that will change one's orientation. There is no pill, shrink or ministry that will do it, either. It should be up to us grown-ups to make sure they are free of fear, violence and discrimination no matter where they choose to go to school, where they decide to live or what occupation they choose. Until that happens, kids will continue to be killed or take their own lives. That, ladies and gentlemen, is unacceptable no matter what your religious leaders tell you or your own personal beliefs are. If you are complicit in promoting discrimination and keeping silent about violence, you are complicit in maiming or killing innocent people who have never caused you one bit of harm. No legitimate creed or religion teaches anyone to permit the death of another who has done you no harm. To the parents of the kids who caused their classmate to jump to his death, I hope your children and you think about that young man every day of your lives and make some attempt to atone for your own sins.