Enough Is Not Necessarily Enough

I am not joking when I ask this: when can we individually say to ourselves we are "enough" in our private and public lives or whether the judgment must come from others based on their own standards over which I had no input? I'm not talking about whether we made enough widgets for an employer. It goes far deeper than that. I wish there was a formula or even an online calculator (like they have for determining how much you can afford to borrow for a home mortgage) that would give individuals some sense of their value. It would probably have to start with what you have to offer in terms of intellect, time, money, age, compassion, physicality and would probably have to end with what you should offer given your life circumstances and opportunities. Most people - unless they are complete sociopaths who don't give a damn - want to think that what they do and who they are measures up. Most people who value their privacy (and I confess I don't care to spend much energy on people who don't value their privacy) are somewhat handicapped when it comes to turning one's life trajectory over to someone else in an effort to determine to what extent they need to re-think their priorities or simply do more or be more than they already are. Sometimes I ask myself which David does this person or group want or need me to be today? Nice David who asks for nothing? Hardworking David? Generous David? Tell-it-like-it-is David? Compliant David? Conversational dinner party guest David? Political David? Apolitical David? Defensive David? Self-assured David? Crisp, breezy, funny David? I can do all of them authentically without performance anxiety but it strikes me that very few people beyond my closest family members, friends or partner ever appear to wonder what I need them to be at a given moment. I think it's cheesy to ask or imply that there are times when I actually do need a handful of people to consider what I need but there are times I wish I could get away with telling them. The farther I drill down, it gets more superficial and more personal. I have been told I am too rigid, usually by people who are unable to develop any sort of discernible value system. I have been told I don't respond quickly enough to non-business voice mails on my mobile phone, usually by friends I love but who don't realize I get tired like the rest of the world. I have been told I am too thin, usually by people who could probably stand to drop a fair amount of weight. I have been told by a casual acquaintance I should let him become my personal stylist. That happened to be a day when I thought I had done a pretty good job on my own, thank-you-very-much. In each case, I could respond in a way that would probably be very hurtful to the messenger. I freely admit I enjoy thinking of responses that would shut them down but I do listen and usually eat a shit sandwich and give a polite response which typically involves yessing someone to death. The common thread that runs through all of these little encounters is that on some level or another, I am not "enough" yet. I suppose I could just dismiss all of it and become a self-satisfied jerk but that is not who I want to be and, of course, I realize I have as many character defects as anyone else, even if they are different. I'm guessing that much of it involves the perception of a fair number of people that I am too privileged and therefore insulated from the reality of "ordinary" lives. (Actually, I have been told that by someone who hasn't even seen or spoken to me in nearly 40 years. I have to thank Bill Gates and Steve Jobs for making it so easy to use email as a form of drive-by shooting.) Rightly or wrongly, I interpret that as telling me that my opinion does not matter because it comes from a place they don't understand as well as they might like. I'll admit I am privileged but I can't bring myself to sincerely apologize for it because I think I earned a fair amount of it and I am not as privileged as many others but do not run around assuming a more privileged person could not relate to my own life experience. Perhaps there will come a day when I stop thinking about whether I am enough and won't fall into the trap of being smug and dismissive or unable to accept legitimate criticism. I know a few people like that and they will never get an invitation to any social or other event over which I have any control. By the way, I generally think that most people I know on more than a superficial level are enough, sometimes much more than enough, and for those I don't know as well, I try to suspend judgment until it is obvious that they are or are not. I know that sounds self-serving but after spending as much time as I do thinking about the issue, I think I get to at least say something nice about myself.