Anderson Cooper, at least from many of the interviews I have seen him conduct, is a decent reporter. Cooper's recent 60 Minutes interview with Eminem was more than disappointing. At best it let this guy off the hook too easily for his homophobic slurs that pepper his art form. At worst, Cooper and CBS are complicit in the rash of gay bashing, including the suicides, murders and general violence that keep young gay men in fear and destroy their self-esteem.
One of the reasons it has become easier for lesbians and gay men to be honest about their sexuality over the last two decades is because organizations like GLAAD have applied pressure to media outlets to include positive images of lesbians and gay men and to point out and speak loudly when media outlets back track. My age group - I'm 45 - was the first to benefit from GLAAD's mission. I wish it happened sooner and that I had an opportunity to see some positive images at a critical moment in my transition from adolescence to adulthood but I appreciate that by the time I was in my early 20s, I no longer felt ashamed of that part of who I was and am.
I took a calculated risk coming out in my mid 20s but I thought it was important not just to me, but to younger men and women as well. When I dived into what I assumed would be a very cold pool, it was not easy. While in law school, I was shouted down and publicly threatened after speaking before a community school board meeting in Queens (ironic, no?) on inclusiveness and its importance and spent a lot of time marching around demanding equal rights. I made sure my resume included unmistakable information so potential employers would know beforehand that I was gay. About two years into one job, the guy who hired me and engineered my successive promotions to executive-level titles asked me why I made sure my resume was so clear. I told him that I would not work for an organization that discriminated on the basis of sexual orientation. I did not want the hassle of lawsuits nor did I want to waste my time in interviews with bigots. If some employers folded my resume into a paper airplane and threw it at the trash can for that reason, shame on them. They threw away a smart, dependable attorney. I'll never know if that happened or how many times it happened. I honestly don't care. What I found out was that many people with whom I worked thought it was courageous, including many straight men far older than I was. One senior executive wouldn't work with other attorneys in my office. He was a bombastic, hot-tempered, smart guy who told my boss I was his lawyer because of his perception of my skills and ability to strategize and fight for him. I think he liked the idea that whatever assumptions he had about gay men, I didn't fit his stereotype and could claim he was more enlightened than others. I came away from that experience more confident than ever that if you worked hard, played by the rules, were your authentic self and treated others respectfully, a gay man in a big company could do very well.
During that time, I think I blazed a small but significant trail. A fair number of closeted colleagues came out with no ill effect on their careers and, in my opinion, became better lawyers and employees. (It takes a lot of time and energy to stay closeted that could be better spent on actual work.)
I hope Mr. Cooper, CBS and all media don't need to be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century. Let the Fox network specialize in hate-mongering so we can understand the difference between journalism and garbage. They are masterful at throwing garbage at its audience and need no competition. I hear Ann Coulter thinks she is being out-bigoted by Tea Partiers and is looking to establish a new ideological beach head. When Ann Coulter is afraid she isn't bigoted enough to command her usual audience, you know we're in for a long, tortured slog. Fasten your seatbelts. We're about to experience a little turbulence.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Are We Always Destined to Repeat History?
Our culture is littered with opportunities to learn from past mistakes. Whether it involved writing slavery into the U.S. Constitution, denying suffrage to and treating women like chattel, denying real voting rights to minorities, giving up on the League of Nations, incarcerating Japanese-Americans during WWII, conducting witch hunts of individuals suspected of advocating communism, engaging in covert surveillance of American dissidents, lying to the public about our involvement and strategy during the Vietnam War, sleeping through the first 5-10 years of the HIV/AIDS epidemic, stealing the 2000 Presidential election, starting a war with a country that had not attacked us and using bogus intelligence to justify it, the country I love has a track record of making mistakes. We are lucky those mistakes - and others - did not ruin the American promise and all of the weight this country carries as an example of a type of freedom too few people enjoy.
We fixed most of those mistakes, sometimes based on public outcry and sometimes based on the leadership of a President of the United States and Congress. It is sad to know that we continue to make mistakes that directly impact 15-20 million lesbian and gay Americans, many of whom simply want the same rights as the other 280-285,000,000 take for granted. They are even willing to pay more individual income taxes, serve their country in times of war and get thrown into the mix of the general population. No one should be surprised. The last time I checked, lesbians and gay men love their country, too. All they really want is the right to fully participate in the ongoing project of fulfilling the promise of equality on which this democracy was founded.
Adults and children who are suspected of being lesbian or gay or announce their sexual orientation are subject to violent physical attacks, job discrimination, isolation from their communities and in extreme cases, kill themselves out of shame or embarrassment. Many live in fear every minute of every day. How is it possible that we have not learned or remembered the corrosive effect of discrimination against nearly every ethnic group we can imagine?
We can fix this just like we fixed so many other mistakes. It's not as complicated as we have been led to believe. Federal action is necessary. Laws which would grant full equality would be a good start but it has to begin with parents who teach their children it is wrong to bully, wrong to engage in violence based on immutable differences and wrong to stereotype. It's not happening. Under the cloak of organized religion, there are far too many supposedly pious adults who are unwilling to look past three or four sentences from religious texts that are repeated over and over again by bigoted pastors and who would send us back to 1950. At nearly 46 years old and to quote Fannie Lou Hamer addressing Congress in the run-up to the passage of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." It harms no one to extend nationally recognized same-sex marriage rights. If one's only justification for discriminating against lesbians and gay men is based on religious scripture, consider looking for real estate in a country that did not invent the separation of church and state.
We fixed most of those mistakes, sometimes based on public outcry and sometimes based on the leadership of a President of the United States and Congress. It is sad to know that we continue to make mistakes that directly impact 15-20 million lesbian and gay Americans, many of whom simply want the same rights as the other 280-285,000,000 take for granted. They are even willing to pay more individual income taxes, serve their country in times of war and get thrown into the mix of the general population. No one should be surprised. The last time I checked, lesbians and gay men love their country, too. All they really want is the right to fully participate in the ongoing project of fulfilling the promise of equality on which this democracy was founded.
Adults and children who are suspected of being lesbian or gay or announce their sexual orientation are subject to violent physical attacks, job discrimination, isolation from their communities and in extreme cases, kill themselves out of shame or embarrassment. Many live in fear every minute of every day. How is it possible that we have not learned or remembered the corrosive effect of discrimination against nearly every ethnic group we can imagine?
We can fix this just like we fixed so many other mistakes. It's not as complicated as we have been led to believe. Federal action is necessary. Laws which would grant full equality would be a good start but it has to begin with parents who teach their children it is wrong to bully, wrong to engage in violence based on immutable differences and wrong to stereotype. It's not happening. Under the cloak of organized religion, there are far too many supposedly pious adults who are unwilling to look past three or four sentences from religious texts that are repeated over and over again by bigoted pastors and who would send us back to 1950. At nearly 46 years old and to quote Fannie Lou Hamer addressing Congress in the run-up to the passage of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." It harms no one to extend nationally recognized same-sex marriage rights. If one's only justification for discriminating against lesbians and gay men is based on religious scripture, consider looking for real estate in a country that did not invent the separation of church and state.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Are Women Tougher than Men?
To ask the question is to answer it. None of this is particularly new but we rarely remember it until Mother's Day rolls around. This is not meant to trash men. Many men are terrific at helping out and sharing responsibilities, love their kids and are happy to cook some meals. None of this necessarily applies to women in same-sex relationships and doesn't necessarily apply to men in same-sex relationships. I realize these are generalizations but there is a reason they are generalizations: they are mostly true.
1. On average, women earn 75-80 cents for every dollar men earn. Most women under 50 work as many hours as their husbands do.
2. Women do most of the child rearing in this country, often while holding a full or part-time job.
3. Women do most of the regular housekeeping and indoor cooking (often as a short order cook for picky kids) even if they work full-time and arrive home from work at or about the same time as their husbands.
4. Women do most of the food shopping and clothes shopping for the entire family. They are charged with remembering everyone's sizes - including relatives on both sides of the family in the event they need to buy a gift. If a gift item is particularly expensive, despite who makes the purchase, women do the wrapping; men sign the card.
5. Most women do the majority of holiday gift shopping, remembering birthdays, wrapping, and sending invitations, congratulatory, thank-you and condolence cards.
6. Most women do most of the ferrying of kids to sports, music and dance practice and are expected to attend all of the events associated with it.
7. Women tend to keep all of the medical records of their kids, including innoculations, etc., and ensure that the kids get regular medical check-ups.
8. Many women pay all of the household bills, keep a budget and try to stick to it.
9. Most women are expected to be photo-ready before leaving the house to do anything, including stopping at a garage sale. They are expected to look younger and slimmer than their husbands regardless of age.
10. If their husbands are not handy or not interested, women are expected to learn the mechanics of all HVAC, electrical, plumbing and appliances and find the appropriate contractor or service provider to come on schedule for routine maintenance or in an emergency.
11. If widowed (women's life expectancy is longer than men's), a woman is expected to look like Malibu Barbie no matter what their age in order to attract a sloppy widower who is most interested in whether Malibu Barbie can cook and has a recliner chair and a wide screen television.
12. Women who drink a little too much are labeled drunks. Men who drink a little too much are labeled men who are stressed out.
13. Women who are good at their jobs and supervise or offer advice to others are bitches. Men who are good at their jobs and supervise others or offer advice are rising stars.
13. To paraphrase Ginger Rogers when discussing her film career with Fred Astaire: women do everything men do but it's harder for women because they have to do it all backwards.
1. On average, women earn 75-80 cents for every dollar men earn. Most women under 50 work as many hours as their husbands do.
2. Women do most of the child rearing in this country, often while holding a full or part-time job.
3. Women do most of the regular housekeeping and indoor cooking (often as a short order cook for picky kids) even if they work full-time and arrive home from work at or about the same time as their husbands.
4. Women do most of the food shopping and clothes shopping for the entire family. They are charged with remembering everyone's sizes - including relatives on both sides of the family in the event they need to buy a gift. If a gift item is particularly expensive, despite who makes the purchase, women do the wrapping; men sign the card.
5. Most women do the majority of holiday gift shopping, remembering birthdays, wrapping, and sending invitations, congratulatory, thank-you and condolence cards.
6. Most women do most of the ferrying of kids to sports, music and dance practice and are expected to attend all of the events associated with it.
7. Women tend to keep all of the medical records of their kids, including innoculations, etc., and ensure that the kids get regular medical check-ups.
8. Many women pay all of the household bills, keep a budget and try to stick to it.
9. Most women are expected to be photo-ready before leaving the house to do anything, including stopping at a garage sale. They are expected to look younger and slimmer than their husbands regardless of age.
10. If their husbands are not handy or not interested, women are expected to learn the mechanics of all HVAC, electrical, plumbing and appliances and find the appropriate contractor or service provider to come on schedule for routine maintenance or in an emergency.
11. If widowed (women's life expectancy is longer than men's), a woman is expected to look like Malibu Barbie no matter what their age in order to attract a sloppy widower who is most interested in whether Malibu Barbie can cook and has a recliner chair and a wide screen television.
12. Women who drink a little too much are labeled drunks. Men who drink a little too much are labeled men who are stressed out.
13. Women who are good at their jobs and supervise or offer advice to others are bitches. Men who are good at their jobs and supervise others or offer advice are rising stars.
13. To paraphrase Ginger Rogers when discussing her film career with Fred Astaire: women do everything men do but it's harder for women because they have to do it all backwards.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Where Are the Parents?
When will this end? The young college student who was surreptitiously videotaped by two of his classmates, outed on the Internet and who took his own life by jumping off the George Washington Bridge is only the latest example of how much more work there is to do to before lesbians and gay men can expect their privacy will not be violated and will be able to lead their lives without shame, fear or discrimination.
These sorts of things do not just happen with no explanation. Where were these kids' parents or guardians and what were they teaching them as they grew up into twisted, homophobic criminals? This is much more than simple bullying. I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist and I am not a parent. All I know is what most gay men know. Some of us never come out because we are afraid of psychological or physical violence, being shunned by family and friends or losing a job in a state with no prohibition against discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.
Two months before I came out 20+ years ago, I intentionally cut myself off from some of my oldest and dearest friends, my family and others just to see what it would be like to permanently lose it all. It was torture to do it but for whatever reason, I had to know. At the end of two months I realized it would be traumatizing and it would take a very long time to repair my self-esteem but I no longer felt like a I had a choice. I also resolved that I would never work for any employer that would promote or tolerate that type of discrimination. I used some of my time reading about the courageous people who formed the Mattachine Society, those who bravely stood up to police during the Stonewall riots and the legions of black men and women who fought for their own civil rights. I knew I could find new friends and could live in gay ghetto for the rest of my life and find a way to be happy. All I wanted was to find one man to love and who loved me. I confess I did not even consider the possibility that marriage would ever be an option during my lifetime. I started to join LGBT organizations, speak before crowds (ironically the first time I was not petrified to speak before large groups), be interviewed on radio and television and put all of it on my resume.
It worked.
Very few people abandoned me. My parents, sister and the rest of my family embraced me. My friends did the same and, by the way, had been waiting for a long time to hear from me what they already knew. A handful were shocked because I did not fit their stereotype, perhaps because I knew how to tune up a car.
I found my partner a couple of years later. For the past 17+ years, we have built a life together. It's not perfect. I did not expect it to be perfect. To shatter another myth, our relationship remains completely monogamous.
I faced some discrimination along the way. I assumed I would. But I was hired by unions and then by the largest mass transit company in the United States and regularly promoted. When I started a solo practice as a neutral labor arbitrator a couple of years ago, my mentors were mostly well-established, well-known, straight male arbitrators before whom I appeared as an attorney/advocate and who all said their profession needed more diversity and, to hear them tell it, I would probably end up being - at least for awhile - the only openly gay arbitrator in the state.
Despite right wing salesmen of hatred in the name of religion or politics, I didn't lose a sense of who I was and was not ashamed. I knew that my sexual orientation was a part of who I was but it was not all that I was or am. Sadly, thousands of men lacked any sense of their own value and many died of complications from HIV/AIDS, wiping out nearly a generation's worth of would-be activists, friends and contributors to all facets of society. I am grateful my partner and I dodged that bullet. I am most grateful for my parents who always believed that every human being deserved to live their lives free from discrimination and were not afraid to say it to anyone, even those who might have disagreed with them. They didn't count on my little revelation (on Father's Day, no less), but it didn't take them long to ask two questions and audibly exhale after my response: was I telling them this because I was sick and was I prepared to deal with discrimination? The answers were no and yes, in that order.
If we want a truly modern civil society, everyone must have a place at the table. I did not make a choice to be gay. I made a choice to make it known that I was gay. There is an enormous difference between the two. Even my parents' neighbors, some of whom are politically very conservative, are very happy to see me during holidays and other times when I visit. (Well, maybe it's because I am helping my mother keep her lawn looking nice and improving their view from across the street but I think it runs more deeply than that.)
None of it would have happened had so many people I never knew failed to demand equal rights long before I was old enough to tie my own shoes. We can't stop now, even if marriage becomes available as an option in every state in the country. Every kid, no matter where he or she might live, needs to understand that if they realize they are lesbian or gay, they can lead a full, rich life. There is no prayer that will change one's orientation. There is no pill, shrink or ministry that will do it, either. It should be up to us grown-ups to make sure they are free of fear, violence and discrimination no matter where they choose to go to school, where they decide to live or what occupation they choose. Until that happens, kids will continue to be killed or take their own lives. That, ladies and gentlemen, is unacceptable no matter what your religious leaders tell you or your own personal beliefs are. If you are complicit in promoting discrimination and keeping silent about violence, you are complicit in maiming or killing innocent people who have never caused you one bit of harm. No legitimate creed or religion teaches anyone to permit the death of another who has done you no harm. To the parents of the kids who caused their classmate to jump to his death, I hope your children and you think about that young man every day of your lives and make some attempt to atone for your own sins.
These sorts of things do not just happen with no explanation. Where were these kids' parents or guardians and what were they teaching them as they grew up into twisted, homophobic criminals? This is much more than simple bullying. I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist and I am not a parent. All I know is what most gay men know. Some of us never come out because we are afraid of psychological or physical violence, being shunned by family and friends or losing a job in a state with no prohibition against discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.
Two months before I came out 20+ years ago, I intentionally cut myself off from some of my oldest and dearest friends, my family and others just to see what it would be like to permanently lose it all. It was torture to do it but for whatever reason, I had to know. At the end of two months I realized it would be traumatizing and it would take a very long time to repair my self-esteem but I no longer felt like a I had a choice. I also resolved that I would never work for any employer that would promote or tolerate that type of discrimination. I used some of my time reading about the courageous people who formed the Mattachine Society, those who bravely stood up to police during the Stonewall riots and the legions of black men and women who fought for their own civil rights. I knew I could find new friends and could live in gay ghetto for the rest of my life and find a way to be happy. All I wanted was to find one man to love and who loved me. I confess I did not even consider the possibility that marriage would ever be an option during my lifetime. I started to join LGBT organizations, speak before crowds (ironically the first time I was not petrified to speak before large groups), be interviewed on radio and television and put all of it on my resume.
It worked.
Very few people abandoned me. My parents, sister and the rest of my family embraced me. My friends did the same and, by the way, had been waiting for a long time to hear from me what they already knew. A handful were shocked because I did not fit their stereotype, perhaps because I knew how to tune up a car.
I found my partner a couple of years later. For the past 17+ years, we have built a life together. It's not perfect. I did not expect it to be perfect. To shatter another myth, our relationship remains completely monogamous.
I faced some discrimination along the way. I assumed I would. But I was hired by unions and then by the largest mass transit company in the United States and regularly promoted. When I started a solo practice as a neutral labor arbitrator a couple of years ago, my mentors were mostly well-established, well-known, straight male arbitrators before whom I appeared as an attorney/advocate and who all said their profession needed more diversity and, to hear them tell it, I would probably end up being - at least for awhile - the only openly gay arbitrator in the state.
Despite right wing salesmen of hatred in the name of religion or politics, I didn't lose a sense of who I was and was not ashamed. I knew that my sexual orientation was a part of who I was but it was not all that I was or am. Sadly, thousands of men lacked any sense of their own value and many died of complications from HIV/AIDS, wiping out nearly a generation's worth of would-be activists, friends and contributors to all facets of society. I am grateful my partner and I dodged that bullet. I am most grateful for my parents who always believed that every human being deserved to live their lives free from discrimination and were not afraid to say it to anyone, even those who might have disagreed with them. They didn't count on my little revelation (on Father's Day, no less), but it didn't take them long to ask two questions and audibly exhale after my response: was I telling them this because I was sick and was I prepared to deal with discrimination? The answers were no and yes, in that order.
If we want a truly modern civil society, everyone must have a place at the table. I did not make a choice to be gay. I made a choice to make it known that I was gay. There is an enormous difference between the two. Even my parents' neighbors, some of whom are politically very conservative, are very happy to see me during holidays and other times when I visit. (Well, maybe it's because I am helping my mother keep her lawn looking nice and improving their view from across the street but I think it runs more deeply than that.)
None of it would have happened had so many people I never knew failed to demand equal rights long before I was old enough to tie my own shoes. We can't stop now, even if marriage becomes available as an option in every state in the country. Every kid, no matter where he or she might live, needs to understand that if they realize they are lesbian or gay, they can lead a full, rich life. There is no prayer that will change one's orientation. There is no pill, shrink or ministry that will do it, either. It should be up to us grown-ups to make sure they are free of fear, violence and discrimination no matter where they choose to go to school, where they decide to live or what occupation they choose. Until that happens, kids will continue to be killed or take their own lives. That, ladies and gentlemen, is unacceptable no matter what your religious leaders tell you or your own personal beliefs are. If you are complicit in promoting discrimination and keeping silent about violence, you are complicit in maiming or killing innocent people who have never caused you one bit of harm. No legitimate creed or religion teaches anyone to permit the death of another who has done you no harm. To the parents of the kids who caused their classmate to jump to his death, I hope your children and you think about that young man every day of your lives and make some attempt to atone for your own sins.
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