It is almost embarrassing to imagine that turning 45 means little in Western nations with readily available and often affordable plastic surgery, Botox, hair dye, liposuction and personal trainers that can peel away 10 years or more from the face and body. To me, it's sort of akin to air travel. Until the 1970s, most middle class people drove to fairly local vacation destinations. Air travel was simply too expensive to consider unless you were wealthy. Today, middle class Americans with average jobs and incomes can afford a ticket to most international destinations.
I am not immune to the impulse to pay someone to make me look younger and healthier than I truly am, but I wonder if that's the right direction. Advancing age - and all that goes with it -can be frightening. On the other hand, growing older is also an opportunity to replace what is visible with what lies beneath. I am a much better person today than I was at 25 or 35. I am nicer to people I have never met than I ever was when I was a younger guy. I am more charitable, friendlier, patient and fair. When you can't rely on your youth or looks to help get you where you want to be, you sometimes have to change other things about yourself. Those changes can be really terrific to see in yourself and can make you a more valuable human being than you ever thought you could be.
I don't want to put plastic surgeons out of business but I sometimes wonder if aging gracefully actually requires that we let our physical selves remain untouched while we work on being better people - more dignified, more understanding, more careful -than we were when we reached our twenties. Isn't that just as attractive as a quick nip/tuck? Doesn't it signal that it's okay to grow older and wiser and display it so others will know and judge us by our actions rather than our presumptive chronological ages?
I'm a little torn about this. I could run out tomorrow and within a few months I could look 28 again. I admit that I liked looking 28 when I was 28. I was never going to be mistaken for a catalogue model or film actor but I felt very comfortable in my own skin. I'll also admit that I met my partner when I was 28. All he knew was that I was a law student and how old I was. I'd be lying if I said that he picked up the phone a day or two later and asked me out on a date because he thought I was smart. He had no idea about my politics, my intellect or my pedigree. I guess it was a "first things first" sort of thing. It's hardly a novel approach. I love my partner but he is about as shallow as any straight or gay male when it comes to the object of his affection. Let's face it. He called me because he thought I was good looking. I'm glad he thought so because I am glad we ended up together.
A distant friend of my cousin's on Facebook saw a current picture of me and commented to my cousin that I looked exactly the same as I did 20 years ago. (The picture must have been out of focus.) I know it was meant as a compliment but I'm not sure that having a 45 year old brain with 45 years of life experience should be hidden away by a surgeon. I sometimes actually look forward to having my hair turn completely white (okay, have me committed to a psychiatric ward) and to have people around me that celebrate whatever wisdom I might have picked up along the way. That's easy to say if you are already in a long-term relationship but for those who are not, I understand that the choices must be pretty difficult to make, especially for women who get far fewer free passes than men do when it comes to physical beauty.
No matter which way we choose to go, I generally respect both directions. (That, by the way, comes from being less judgmental as I have grown older.) Know yourself and what you need to get up in the morning and feel good about yourself. Whichever choice we make is valid as long as we all understand that the human quest for eternal youth is as old as humanity and now that jury deliberations are over, the verdict is in: that there is no such thing as eternal youth. Given that most of us are granted 80 or 90 years on the planet, make them count. If you have limited resources (as most of us do) it's much more interesting to travel and learn more about the world than it is to gaze at yourself in a mirror and sit in your living room waiting for someone to tell you how great you look.
If you go in for the full Monty, be gentle with those of us who don't. If you don't go in for the full Monty, don't automatically think you are superior for it.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Tiger Woods and the Price of Fame
There must be funeral-quality crying at major advertising agencies, corporate product meetings and TV networks following Tiger Woods's announcement that he would be leaving professional golf "indefinitely".
No one seems to know yet what "indefinitely" means but I'll guess that it's at least two years. Reporters tell us it was the result of an ultimatum from his wife after all of the Bimbo Eruptions. (Sorry, I love that expression even if it did come from Mary Matalin referring to Bill Clinton in 1992). Perhaps the number of days, weeks or months is directly tied to the number of bimbos. Not to denigrate women I don't know or will never meet but they knew the guy was married, super-famous and even if you make a living as what my most lefty friends would call being a "sex worker", they bear some responsibility for being indiscreet. After all, isn't that part of what you are paying for when you hire someone to let you screw them?
I admit that I was initially very surprised that Mr. Woods couldn't keep his sexual urges limited to his wife. After all, she is beautiful and they have adorable kids and, let's face it, lots of money. It's what most amateur duffers on golf courses dream about.
I hope he is not too harshly judged or punished for his indiscretions, not because I think his reported conduct wasn't morally obtuse but because despite his actions off the course, he is a great talent, never promised he was anything but human, didn't kill anyone and appears very humbled by the whole situation. I agree with folks who say that he is not entitled to the privacy that would normally be accorded to an average guy who did the same thing but it's difficult for me to believe that someone who got so famous and so rich at such an early age learned very much about dating or marriage. You can blame his parents but where does that get you? Before he turned 20, Tiger was the equivalent of an ATM for car companies, golf club manufacturers and media outlets, among others. He is still an ATM only it's now a different group with the PIN number - tabloid newspapers and talk show hosts and they're not going to pay him a cent in return.
I read reports that African-American folks aren't leaping in to help because he told Oprah (and/or others) that he wasn't really black because of his Thai ancestry. (Whether you adopt the "one drop" rule or accurately refer to him as bi-racial or multi-racial, he is perceived as black by most people - at least caucasians.) Even Al Sharpton wouldn't comment, even though I have never heard of Al Sharpton refraining from commenting on any subject.
The number one thing that makes me sad is its potential effect on young minority kids who saw Tiger Woods break racial and ethnic barriers to dominate a sport that had been, with few exceptions, a WASP sport. Any of those kids who aspire to taking a job at a major corporation ought to learn to play golf and understand its rules. Lots of business is conducted on golf courses and being unable to play leaves the aspiring corporate titan at a disadvantage. Tiger surely had to know that he was a role model for many young kids. He let them down, too. I hope that Barack Obama's ascension to the leader of the free world is enough to get some of these kids past their disappointment. Keep golfing.
The Williams sisters have a few things in common with Woods. Their fathers pushed them and nurtured their natural ability and must have told them a million times that they were just as good or better than anyone else in professional tennis. They, too, dominated (and continue to dominate) their sport. They, too, became role models. Other than Serena Williams's recent melt-down with an umpire, you really don't hear much about their behavior on or off the court. They, too, have lined up lots of endorsement contracts and are starting businesses of their own so when they fade as tennis stars, they'll have other skills and other interests to keep them occupied and wealthy.
Mr. Woods has a problem with the concept of marital fidelity in his personal life. His decision to take a break from professional golf is a sign that he wants to try to repair his marriage more than he wants to win more tournaments. That's a perfectly rational choice and sounds very adult to me. We should wish him luck and a happy life. Maybe that's another lesson to young people. When adults screw up, they have good and bad choices to make. Mr. Woods's decision was probably a good choice and one that young kids can look to when they become adults and inevitably screw up (not necessarily by being unfaithful to a spouse).
Now I have to figure out a way to stay awake during televised golf tournaments if I watch them at all.
12/13/2009 - Footnote: I guess I correctly predicted the loss of endorsements. Major NY publications are reporting that three corporations have dumped Tiger Woods. He had to have known that would happen but like so many others, he didn't think his marital indiscretions would ever be exposed. None of these guys ever think they're going to get caught or maybe they want to be caught as a cry for help. There's a don't-cry-for-me-Argentina in there somewhere. I wish him well and although I never bought a Buick Rendezvous (how delicious an irony that campaign was given the name of the vehicle) I am sure that many people bought many a golf club on his recommendation. Sad stuff but not so sad that he can't come back. Don't forget his philanthropy. It was and I assume still is very significant.
No one seems to know yet what "indefinitely" means but I'll guess that it's at least two years. Reporters tell us it was the result of an ultimatum from his wife after all of the Bimbo Eruptions. (Sorry, I love that expression even if it did come from Mary Matalin referring to Bill Clinton in 1992). Perhaps the number of days, weeks or months is directly tied to the number of bimbos. Not to denigrate women I don't know or will never meet but they knew the guy was married, super-famous and even if you make a living as what my most lefty friends would call being a "sex worker", they bear some responsibility for being indiscreet. After all, isn't that part of what you are paying for when you hire someone to let you screw them?
I admit that I was initially very surprised that Mr. Woods couldn't keep his sexual urges limited to his wife. After all, she is beautiful and they have adorable kids and, let's face it, lots of money. It's what most amateur duffers on golf courses dream about.
I hope he is not too harshly judged or punished for his indiscretions, not because I think his reported conduct wasn't morally obtuse but because despite his actions off the course, he is a great talent, never promised he was anything but human, didn't kill anyone and appears very humbled by the whole situation. I agree with folks who say that he is not entitled to the privacy that would normally be accorded to an average guy who did the same thing but it's difficult for me to believe that someone who got so famous and so rich at such an early age learned very much about dating or marriage. You can blame his parents but where does that get you? Before he turned 20, Tiger was the equivalent of an ATM for car companies, golf club manufacturers and media outlets, among others. He is still an ATM only it's now a different group with the PIN number - tabloid newspapers and talk show hosts and they're not going to pay him a cent in return.
I read reports that African-American folks aren't leaping in to help because he told Oprah (and/or others) that he wasn't really black because of his Thai ancestry. (Whether you adopt the "one drop" rule or accurately refer to him as bi-racial or multi-racial, he is perceived as black by most people - at least caucasians.) Even Al Sharpton wouldn't comment, even though I have never heard of Al Sharpton refraining from commenting on any subject.
The number one thing that makes me sad is its potential effect on young minority kids who saw Tiger Woods break racial and ethnic barriers to dominate a sport that had been, with few exceptions, a WASP sport. Any of those kids who aspire to taking a job at a major corporation ought to learn to play golf and understand its rules. Lots of business is conducted on golf courses and being unable to play leaves the aspiring corporate titan at a disadvantage. Tiger surely had to know that he was a role model for many young kids. He let them down, too. I hope that Barack Obama's ascension to the leader of the free world is enough to get some of these kids past their disappointment. Keep golfing.
The Williams sisters have a few things in common with Woods. Their fathers pushed them and nurtured their natural ability and must have told them a million times that they were just as good or better than anyone else in professional tennis. They, too, dominated (and continue to dominate) their sport. They, too, became role models. Other than Serena Williams's recent melt-down with an umpire, you really don't hear much about their behavior on or off the court. They, too, have lined up lots of endorsement contracts and are starting businesses of their own so when they fade as tennis stars, they'll have other skills and other interests to keep them occupied and wealthy.
Mr. Woods has a problem with the concept of marital fidelity in his personal life. His decision to take a break from professional golf is a sign that he wants to try to repair his marriage more than he wants to win more tournaments. That's a perfectly rational choice and sounds very adult to me. We should wish him luck and a happy life. Maybe that's another lesson to young people. When adults screw up, they have good and bad choices to make. Mr. Woods's decision was probably a good choice and one that young kids can look to when they become adults and inevitably screw up (not necessarily by being unfaithful to a spouse).
Now I have to figure out a way to stay awake during televised golf tournaments if I watch them at all.
12/13/2009 - Footnote: I guess I correctly predicted the loss of endorsements. Major NY publications are reporting that three corporations have dumped Tiger Woods. He had to have known that would happen but like so many others, he didn't think his marital indiscretions would ever be exposed. None of these guys ever think they're going to get caught or maybe they want to be caught as a cry for help. There's a don't-cry-for-me-Argentina in there somewhere. I wish him well and although I never bought a Buick Rendezvous (how delicious an irony that campaign was given the name of the vehicle) I am sure that many people bought many a golf club on his recommendation. Sad stuff but not so sad that he can't come back. Don't forget his philanthropy. It was and I assume still is very significant.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Finding the Masterminds of Terrorism
As our government knew in the early aftermath of September 11th, the terrorist leadership that trained and funded the hijackers who killed thousands of people were holed up along the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan. It's almost difficult to remember, but that is where we went first. We had the support and the sympathy of nearly every civilized nation to send troops to Afghanistan. Ordinary Iranians, Iraqis and others in the Muslim world were sympathetic and expressed their own fears that the worst terrorists would not stop their efforts in the U.S. or Western Europe. They knew that bin Laden and Company didn't just want to punish the United States. They wanted power and dominion over the entire Middle East, especially its wealth and military apparatus. They wanted Israel vaporized and to make sure that women across the Middle East were denied education and forced to accept an invented, warped interpretation of Islamic Law.
We all know what happened next. We made a half-hearted attempt in Afghanistan and blew our wad on Iraq because of a range of stupid assumptions, lies and a personal vendetta from President Bush. We squandered the good will of Middle East citizens and watched as young men and some women put their money on bin Laden as the ultimate victor. That train already left the station and it's almost a waste of time to wring our hands over it any longer.
The Obama Administration understood what most people across the world understood years ago. Afghanistan was the problem and if we failed there, Pakistan would become destabilized, India would begin to think more seriously about challenging Pakistan for long-disputed border land and finding and eliminating the worst terrorists would get lost in the sauce. More than 8 years later, we're back to discussing how many troops we really need and for how long in Afghanistan. The Taliban has been a well-understood military junta for years. It is patient, tenacious and is not afraid of tanks and bombs. The Soviets burned their hands on that stove 30 years ago, thinking that their military superiority would make annexing Afghanistan a cake-walk. They found out from personal experience that the terrain is difficult and that the Afghani people were at the point where they would pledge allegiance to anyone who decided not to kill them or take away their livelihood.
So, how many soldiers will it take to find these sub-human despots in the caves along the Afghanistan/Pakistan border, help rebuild what has been physically destroyed and leave the place physically and politically cleaner than when they arrived? How long will it take? We are at least beginning to understand what the Obama Administration believes is necessary. It doesn't sound irrational to add 30-50,000 troops in addition to troops from other nations. I lack military expertise and am therefore in the same position as most Americans. I'm stuck with trusting the administration, its intelligence apparatus and its stated resolve to find these characters as quickly as possible. Every day we don't find them encourages a new generation of terrorists to believe that they, too, can destroy their own nation and ours and do so with impunity. We are fast approaching a time when a whole generation of young Middle Eastern people will have no memory of anything but the destruction of war and will begin to consider it a normal state of affairs. That is the long-term danger. Once that happens, finding the current leadership and bringing them to justice or outright killing them will be widely applauded by some but won't immediately fix the problem of younger people learning more so they can fill in for the captured, jailed or dead elders.
As most of us know, it took a generation to normalize relations with a unified Vietnam. Like China, their claim to be a communist nation is mostly chatter at this point, at least as far as economic theory is concerned. The overwhelming majority of Vietnamese are not old enough to remember what happened in Indo-China and are now seeking to improve their lives by trading with the United States and the rest of developed nations.
We might end up having to wait that long for reconciliation with the Middle East and then only after we leave. Get ready for a long slog. I support the administration's efforts but neither the terrorists nor Americans are stupid enough to believe that it won't take very long to fix a problem that began long before the planes were hijacked.
We all know what happened next. We made a half-hearted attempt in Afghanistan and blew our wad on Iraq because of a range of stupid assumptions, lies and a personal vendetta from President Bush. We squandered the good will of Middle East citizens and watched as young men and some women put their money on bin Laden as the ultimate victor. That train already left the station and it's almost a waste of time to wring our hands over it any longer.
The Obama Administration understood what most people across the world understood years ago. Afghanistan was the problem and if we failed there, Pakistan would become destabilized, India would begin to think more seriously about challenging Pakistan for long-disputed border land and finding and eliminating the worst terrorists would get lost in the sauce. More than 8 years later, we're back to discussing how many troops we really need and for how long in Afghanistan. The Taliban has been a well-understood military junta for years. It is patient, tenacious and is not afraid of tanks and bombs. The Soviets burned their hands on that stove 30 years ago, thinking that their military superiority would make annexing Afghanistan a cake-walk. They found out from personal experience that the terrain is difficult and that the Afghani people were at the point where they would pledge allegiance to anyone who decided not to kill them or take away their livelihood.
So, how many soldiers will it take to find these sub-human despots in the caves along the Afghanistan/Pakistan border, help rebuild what has been physically destroyed and leave the place physically and politically cleaner than when they arrived? How long will it take? We are at least beginning to understand what the Obama Administration believes is necessary. It doesn't sound irrational to add 30-50,000 troops in addition to troops from other nations. I lack military expertise and am therefore in the same position as most Americans. I'm stuck with trusting the administration, its intelligence apparatus and its stated resolve to find these characters as quickly as possible. Every day we don't find them encourages a new generation of terrorists to believe that they, too, can destroy their own nation and ours and do so with impunity. We are fast approaching a time when a whole generation of young Middle Eastern people will have no memory of anything but the destruction of war and will begin to consider it a normal state of affairs. That is the long-term danger. Once that happens, finding the current leadership and bringing them to justice or outright killing them will be widely applauded by some but won't immediately fix the problem of younger people learning more so they can fill in for the captured, jailed or dead elders.
As most of us know, it took a generation to normalize relations with a unified Vietnam. Like China, their claim to be a communist nation is mostly chatter at this point, at least as far as economic theory is concerned. The overwhelming majority of Vietnamese are not old enough to remember what happened in Indo-China and are now seeking to improve their lives by trading with the United States and the rest of developed nations.
We might end up having to wait that long for reconciliation with the Middle East and then only after we leave. Get ready for a long slog. I support the administration's efforts but neither the terrorists nor Americans are stupid enough to believe that it won't take very long to fix a problem that began long before the planes were hijacked.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Senator Savino and Marriage Equality
Roman Catholic: Check
Straight Woman: Check
Relatively conservative district: Check
Visionary view on marriage equality: Check
Savino's views are so close to my own on this issue, I can imagine myself making her recent speech on the floor of the New York State Senate. Her courage is undeniable.
Marriage equality will eventually be almost universally accepted under the law. It will take years but it will happen. Every civil rights struggle in modern history had a Senator Savino (and many more like her) and also had opponents. In 25 years, when the dust settles, Senator Savino can say that she was on the right side of the issue when it wasn't easy. Today's opponents will not be able to claim that. Indeed, with few exceptions, the expansion of civil rights has always been made difficult and often delayed by legislators who ended up apologizing many years later for not having the courage to cast a vote in favor of eliminating discrimination in all its forms. Few pay much attention to those kinds of apologies. The people we eventually honor are those who stuck their necks out when it was hard and politically risky. Senator Savino will be honored. Many of her colleagues in the State Senate will not. She will sleep well at night knowing that she did the right thing when it mattered the most. I hope that the ones who did nothing or were in opposition realize that they weren't really leaders and that their "principled" positions will be thrown into a dumpster along with "separate but equal", "don't ask, don't tell, don't pursue", or told women that they couldn't vote or that it was okay to force black citizens to sit at the back of a bus or drink from a different water fountain.
Some of us take these rights for granted. A great deal of blood was shed, a great many elections lost and many professional reputations were damaged or destroyed for having a vision of equality that was ahead of societal pressure to maintain an ugly status quo. These people turn out to be heroes, sometimes while they were still alive and many more long after they died.
When will we all learn a lesson or two from history? Senator Savino has already done it.
Straight Woman: Check
Relatively conservative district: Check
Visionary view on marriage equality: Check
Savino's views are so close to my own on this issue, I can imagine myself making her recent speech on the floor of the New York State Senate. Her courage is undeniable.
Marriage equality will eventually be almost universally accepted under the law. It will take years but it will happen. Every civil rights struggle in modern history had a Senator Savino (and many more like her) and also had opponents. In 25 years, when the dust settles, Senator Savino can say that she was on the right side of the issue when it wasn't easy. Today's opponents will not be able to claim that. Indeed, with few exceptions, the expansion of civil rights has always been made difficult and often delayed by legislators who ended up apologizing many years later for not having the courage to cast a vote in favor of eliminating discrimination in all its forms. Few pay much attention to those kinds of apologies. The people we eventually honor are those who stuck their necks out when it was hard and politically risky. Senator Savino will be honored. Many of her colleagues in the State Senate will not. She will sleep well at night knowing that she did the right thing when it mattered the most. I hope that the ones who did nothing or were in opposition realize that they weren't really leaders and that their "principled" positions will be thrown into a dumpster along with "separate but equal", "don't ask, don't tell, don't pursue", or told women that they couldn't vote or that it was okay to force black citizens to sit at the back of a bus or drink from a different water fountain.
Some of us take these rights for granted. A great deal of blood was shed, a great many elections lost and many professional reputations were damaged or destroyed for having a vision of equality that was ahead of societal pressure to maintain an ugly status quo. These people turn out to be heroes, sometimes while they were still alive and many more long after they died.
When will we all learn a lesson or two from history? Senator Savino has already done it.
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