Notes on Turning 45

It is almost embarrassing to imagine that turning 45 means little in Western nations with readily available and often affordable plastic surgery, Botox, hair dye, liposuction and personal trainers that can peel away 10 years or more from the face and body. To me, it's sort of akin to air travel. Until the 1970s, most middle class people drove to fairly local vacation destinations. Air travel was simply too expensive to consider unless you were wealthy. Today, middle class Americans with average jobs and incomes can afford a ticket to most international destinations.


I am not immune to the impulse to pay someone to make me look younger and healthier than I truly am, but I wonder if that's the right direction. Advancing age - and all that goes with it -can be frightening. On the other hand, growing older is also an opportunity to replace what is visible with what lies beneath. I am a much better person today than I was at 25 or 35. I am nicer to people I have never met than I ever was when I was a younger guy. I am more charitable, friendlier, patient and fair. When you can't rely on your youth or looks to help get you where you want to be, you sometimes have to change other things about yourself. Those changes can be really terrific to see in yourself and can make you a more valuable human being than you ever thought you could be.

I don't want to put plastic surgeons out of business but I sometimes wonder if aging gracefully actually requires that we let our physical selves remain untouched while we work on being better people - more dignified, more understanding, more careful -than we were when we reached our twenties. Isn't that just as attractive as a quick nip/tuck? Doesn't it signal that it's okay to grow older and wiser and display it so others will know and judge us by our actions rather than our presumptive chronological ages?


I'm a little torn about this. I could run out tomorrow and within a few months I could look 28 again. I admit that I liked looking 28 when I was 28. I was never going to be mistaken for a catalogue model or film actor but I felt very comfortable in my own skin. I'll also admit that I met my partner when I was 28. All he knew was that I was a law student and how old I was. I'd be lying if I said that he picked up the phone a day or two later and asked me out on a date because he thought I was smart. He had no idea about my politics, my intellect or my pedigree. I guess it was a "first things first" sort of thing. It's hardly a novel approach. I love my partner but he is about as shallow as any straight or gay male when it comes to the object of his affection. Let's face it. He called me because he thought I was good looking. I'm glad he thought so because I am glad we ended up together.

A distant friend of my cousin's on Facebook saw a current picture of me and commented to my cousin that I looked exactly the same as I did 20 years ago. (The picture must have been out of focus.) I know it was meant as a compliment but I'm not sure that having a 45 year old brain with 45 years of life experience should be hidden away by a surgeon. I sometimes actually look forward to having my hair turn completely white (okay, have me committed to a psychiatric ward) and to have people around me that celebrate whatever wisdom I might have picked up along the way. That's easy to say if you are already in a long-term relationship but for those who are not, I understand that the choices must be pretty difficult to make, especially for women who get far fewer free passes than men do when it comes to physical beauty.


No matter which way we choose to go, I generally respect both directions. (That, by the way, comes from being less judgmental as I have grown older.) Know yourself and what you need to get up in the morning and feel good about yourself. Whichever choice we make is valid as long as we all understand that the human quest for eternal youth is as old as humanity and now that jury deliberations are over, the verdict is in: that there is no such thing as eternal youth. Given that most of us are granted 80 or 90 years on the planet, make them count. If you have limited resources (as most of us do) it's much more interesting to travel and learn more about the world than it is to gaze at yourself in a mirror and sit in your living room waiting for someone to tell you how great you look.

If you go in for the full Monty, be gentle with those of us who don't. If you don't go in for the full Monty, don't automatically think you are superior for it.