Happy Father's Day

One of the most depressing things about getting older is the reality of losing our parents. I had two fathers - my natural father who died over 10 years ago and my step-dad who died a little over 2 years ago. Both deaths were robberies. They were young by modern standards. In the land of entitlement I have created, I thought it was my right to have both of them around until I turned at least 60. Fat chance.


So much political debate, particularly around issues of poverty, sexual orientation and women's reproductive freedom rights, centers on fathers. We're told that fathers are necessary to keeping children out of poverty, that fathers are necessary to raising well-adjusted children unless, of course, they happen to be gay and there are two fathers instead of one in which case, the right wingers tell us that mothers are indispensible. We can honor fatherhood and its importance without making kids without fathers feel like they are destined to rob liquor stores and live in squalor.


For many kids, 2 well-adjusted parents, living in the same house, of opposite genders, sounds like Disneyworld or sounds so foreign to them that they might wonder if they know anyone who has a life like that. Having been through much of the good stuff and some of the bad stuff that comes along with "traditional" family life, I can say from those experiences that what matters most - and is often repeated - is showing up and doing the best you can. Human beings can only lose what they have made for themselves, something they have been given or something they gave away. Defining what we have lost has to be about what was actually taken (or sometimes given) away.

Being a father is not always about biology. It's often about unconditionally loving a child and treating the child as if you shared their DNA.

To me, that means there are far more fathers out there than we could count on birth certificates. All of them deserve to be honored, even when their own imperfections or fears left them incapable of doing all of things we might have wanted them to do. If they remain on Earth, forgive their shortcomings. If they are no longer with us, honor what was good about them and make it a part of yourself. If you can do those things, I am convinced that you will feel less loss and more gratitude for what you did get.